Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
