You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
