and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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