What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
