So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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