I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
