dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
