i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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