Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
