I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
i think i just lost a toe
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
