Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
