new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
