I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
