I showed him my bush... on skype.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
