ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Holy sore nipples Batman
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
