People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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