My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
