Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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