we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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