i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
