I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
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