For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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