i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
