You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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