There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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