Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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