He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
