my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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