Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
