Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
