I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
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