No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
