I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
