Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just forgot I was standing up.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
