her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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