im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
