I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
