I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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