I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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