Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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