I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
