when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
