I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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