I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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