I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
