So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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