Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
