I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
