I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
