I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
