i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
