my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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