Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
