i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So much rum. So many feels.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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