i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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